beating yourself up

  • Ready or Not, It’s Time for a Rebirth

    Ready or Not

    I’ll go with NOT on this one, but apparently the Universe (or God or my spirit guides or whatever you want to call it) had other plans. As often goes, our toughest challenges provide us with our greatest gifts. Those tricky but necessary life lessons that we weren’t open to learning on our own, hence the higher power stepping in as if to say,

    “Ready or not, it’s time for a rebirth (because you’re clearly not getting it).”

    I’m also quite sure that my higher power said to the other higher powers, “watch this” while simultaneously orchestrating said rebirth and sending me into a tailspin.

    It’s Time For A Rebirth

    Have you ever found yourself doing things that you thought would make you better in some way, yet deep down it felt like you were heading in the wrong direction or doing something that didn’t feel as good in your heart as it sounded in your head? Maybe it seemed a little…desperate, or off the mark or incongruent? But you pushed harder, tried harder, put yourself out there more, continued to go against the grain. And not against the grain of others, but against your own grain.

    You vaguely noticed that you weren’t feeling the way you thought you’d feel as you continued trying to do this thing…this…whatever it happened to be that you were pursuing. You ignored the feeling and pushed it down and “rallied” as a good friend of mine often says. “Just try harder” you told yourself. Maybe you even said the dreaded, “suck it up” to yourself.

    PS, you’re not a vacuum. It’s not your job to suck it up.

    You want this thing. You’ve worked so hard for it. You’ve put so much into it. It’s such a big part of your life. You’re trying so freakin hard to just make this freakin thing work out that you’re almost about to lose your freakin mind…

    Until…

    Hello, it’s time for a rebirth.

    Newsflash

    Nothing external will ever fill that void you’re trying to fill.

    Read that again.

    Ok fine, have it your way. I’ll type it again for you.

    Nothing external will ever fill that void you’re trying to fill.

    No job, no relationship, no amount of money, no diet, no hairdo, no new car or new house.

    If you feel like there’s something missing in your life, I’ve got news for you…it’s YOU. It’s not any of that stuff I just mentioned. It’s YOU that’s missing. I personally spent most of my life trying to fill that void by way of a career. I’m the queen of quitting jobs. Great jobs. Amazing jobs. Career highlight jobs. I’ve walked away from more jobs than most people have even had in their lives.

    Jen in her firefighter uniform sitting in a fire truck

    Something was always missing and it took me until like yesterday to realize that it was me that was missing. How’s that for irony? I’ve struggled with anxiety all my life and blamed my sketchy career history on it, which is somewhat true, but underneath the anxiety was the..omg…the feeling that something was missing. What was missing? You guessed it! ME.

    It’s like trying to force an engine to work when there’s one little spark plug deep inside that’s misfiring, or not firing at all. It’s not ever going to work right until that little spark plug is cleaned or replaced. Except with humans, it’s a matter of either cleaning the limiting beliefs and faulty thoughts out of our head or dumping the programming and installing new stuff.

    What’s This Rebirth I Speak Of?

    Who knows, really? I’d never used the term until yesterday. I was feeling like a complete failure after something I’d gone though on Monday and I felt like I’d made a total mess of my life so when I got the hunch to book an appointment at a yoga retreat about 45 minutes from my house that I’d come across on line the day before, I decided to go with it. The session was called a Soul Guidance session and I didn’t really know what it was but I was very aware that my soul was telling me I needed to go do this thing.

    So I went.

    In case you’ve never read my blog before, or don’t know me personally, it’s important to note that I’m a chronic over thinker and I’m always in my head.

    When I drove to this location, I was completely at peace – and totally out of my head – and I hadn’t even arrived there yet (if you’re an over thinker than you can appreciate how big of a deal that really is). I enjoyed that beautiful gift for the rest of the day. Such complete bliss for someone like me!

    As for the rebirth, it’s really the only way I can explain what I went through yesterday. I’m not going to try describe my entire experience here but I’ll sum it up by saying that I feel whole, complete, present and deeply peaceful…all the things I’d struggled to feel most of my life. All of the things I mistakenly thought I could find if I could just get right job, because it would make me somebody. That’s actually what I believed about myself. I’ve always struggled with underlying thoughts that 1) I’m not enough and 2) I don’t measure up. Theres a few other gems like 3) I’m not that smart, 4) I’m weak and 5) I’m a failure. It all goes back to childhood crap but it’s junk like these negative thoughts that derails our lives despite our best efforts.

    The good news is, these thoughts seem absolutely untrue and ridiculous to me now. Up until now though, they controlled every move I made.

    It’s All Internal

    It wasn’t anything external to me, aside from a very intuitive and gifted woman (whose name is also Jennifer) guiding me along my journey back to my truth and it all occurred within about an hour. During the session, I recall saying to her that it felt like a rebirth and that was the first time the words had entered my mind or crossed my lips. It still stands true as I type these words.

    I feel like I’ve returned home to myself.

    Rebirth

    A large part of this roller coaster of a journey we call life is the growth process, or the evolution of things. We grow, we evolve, we try new things and let go of old things. Life is cyclical and things come and go. Tides ebb and flow and so do life circumstances. The problem occurs when we hold on to things too long in a desperate attempt to make it work. The key word being desperate. You KNOW deep down when something feels desperate. You know. You may try to deny that you know, but YOU KNOW.

    Just like I did but fought it, ignored it, tried to override it and suppress it by whatever means necessary.

    You know what kind of energy it takes to constantly fight that??? Ya, you do. You know that one too.

    Through my experience yesterday, I was able to very clearly see what in my life it was time to let go of. Not with feelings of anger or frustration or failure, but with a grateful heart and a deep appreciation for all the amazing experiences that it brought into my life. Honestly, I let go of it with love.

    Results

    I’m at peace and I’m happy to have the freedom to allow something new into my life along with all that awesome new creative energy that was being sucked up to fight against that which I already knew to be true.

    Choice is yours. If there’s something you know you’re avoiding facing, you can either do it yourself or wait for the universe to say to you,

    Ready or not, it’s time for a rebirth.”

    Letting go can be a really good thing you know…in ways you can’t even see yet.

    Jennifer Grigg

    PS, here’s the link to the amazing Pura Vida Soul Institute and the catalyst for my rebirth.

     

    Jen xo

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  • Beating Yourself Up? Stop Doing It!

    pink roseWhy Do We Beat Ourselves Up?

    When is the last time you beat yourself up over something? For me, it’s today. Like right now, or at least, up until about 5 minutes ago. Heed my words; Stop Beating Yourself Up. It gets you NOWHERE, makes you feel like SH*T, and keeps you stuck in the same place FOREVER. But sadly, it’s also a nasty habit for many of us.

    Here’s What I’m Beating Myself Up Over Today

    I’m just going to be completely honest and throw it out there. Starting your own business is hard. Being an entrepreneur (if I can even call myself that) is hard. Following your own path is freakin’ hard. But so is showing up for a job everyday that your heart and soul isn’t into. It sucks the life out of you. You are literally trading your valuable time for a hard earned dollar. At least, that’s how I felt for most of the jobs I’ve done throughout my life (most but not all, I loved being an Fire Prevention Officer and a Fire Inspector.) It’s also what drives most people down the entrepreneurial path.

    Overall I’m much happier now (and over the course of the last 10 months since I left my full time job), then I ever was working for someone else. However, I’ve now traded money for my valuable time. I love what I’m doing (creating a coaching business) and how I’m doing it (working from home and working almost all the time) and why I’m doing it (because it’s not only a passion, but why I feel I’m here on this earth at this particular point in time-to help others learn to love themselves as I’ve learned to do).

    female entrepreneur signs

    Why am I beating myself up then? Well, since you asked, I’m beating myself up over the whole money thing. I’ve managed to go through my savings and dented my credit cards substantially to get myself to this point. I’m proud that I’ve managed 10 months for the most part on my own, but will fully admit to having to turn to my husband for help with my vehicle payment the last little while. Which is both shameful to me and totally unempowering. That in and of itself is a cause for the critical voice within to unleash it’s fury.

    My Critical Voice

    What I hear my voice saying to me are things such as:

    1. See, I told you you couldn’t just make money by being you and following your dreams
    2. Loser
    3. You don’t know anything about building a business
    4. You’re burdening your husband and causing him stress
    5. You’re not a good role model for your daughters when it comes to being responsible with money
    6. Quitting your full time job was not a responsible thing to do
    7. What are you going to do now since you don’t seem to be getting this off the ground
    8. You better figure this out, and fast.
    9. You don’t really believe in yourself like you think you do
    10. I knew you didn’t have it in you.

    It goes on, but I won’t. I think you get the picture.

    As these things were floating through my mind on repeat this morning, I decided I’d had enough. I realized that it totally was not productive and it felt like sh*t. I would not dream of talking to another person the way I’ve been talking to myself, so why on earth would I berate myself in such a way?

    The Path to Self Acceptance

    Why do I need to stop beating myself up? Because it’s stupid and it sucks. Plain and simple. So you need to stop beating yourself up too. Here’s how we’re going to do it; 1) write down all those BS thoughts you’re having. Get it all out. Do a bubble drawing or a brainstorming or a list or whatever works for you. You really have to see it on paper to really appreciate how sh*tty you’re being to yourself. 2) Write the opposite. Make a list or bubble chart of all the things you’d rather feel about that situation, or why you want it. 3) Go back through and with a voice of reason, respond to the nasty things you said to yourself, and/or find helpful suggestions to take steps toward feeling the way you’d rather feel.

    Being aware of your thoughts and the critical voice in your head is the first step in getting this under control. Cutting yourself some slack is another important and critical factor in finding peace in this situation.

    You are doing the best you can with the awareness that you have right now. As Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.”

    Kill It With Kindess

    Here is my antidote to beating myself up, in addition to everything I just shared with you. Find 4 simple sentences that get to the heart of your journey right now. Here’s what I know;

    I’m a good person

    I’m a kind soul

    I just want to help others heal

    I am finding my way.

    Keep going back to your 3 or 4 or 5 sentences/mantras/verses anytime you start beating yourself up. Be as kind and gentle with yourself as you would your best friend.

    PS I’m also working on creating that magical balance so that I’m not trading time for money OR money for time. When I get that nailed down, I’ll be sure and let you know how I did it! 😉

    girl watching sunrise

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